Lessons of Faith

April 20, 2011 my family's worst nightmare came true. We lost my brother Steve. It was a dark and shocking time filled with confusion, hurt, light, and faith. My little brother said it best in a talk he gave the following Sunday "the five of us were lost in our own living room wondering where the sixth had gone." He had received his mission call the same day his older brother chose to leave this life. This is not a part of my life that I talk about very often, if at all. As you can imagine that day changed my life forever. I am not here to dwell on that event or the events that followed that tragic day. I do feel the lessons I learned are valuable and worth sharing. If nothing more, worth me revisiting and remembering how far I've come.

First and foremost I learned that there is opposition in all things. I felt a darkness in my home that was consuming and nauseating, and yet chased away by my little brother opening his mission call. Through our tears our lost souls were found again as Nate declared his faith and willingness to serve our Lord in the Philippines. We smiled, we laughed, we were happy, we were family. What a tender mercy. The summer that followed was a busy one for me. I was spending a lot of time in Sandy with my family and a lot of time in Ogden. I spent a lot of time in the car commuting back and fourth. I remember vividly one day driving to Ogden on Highway 89 and having to pull over. I was weary and discouraged and hurting when all of a sudden, out of no where I was hit by this wall of happiness. It completely overwhelmed me. I laughed and cried all by myself in that little car on the side of the highway. I could have pushed away those emotions. I could have scolded myself for being happy and crawled back down into the dark hole of mourning. But I chose to embrace that moment. I chose to feel like a human being again. Light ALWAYS follows dark IF you have the courage to let the light in.

I had the opportunity to go on Pioneer trek twice as a youth. My stake did the full on walk like 32 miles in 3 days trek. By day 2 I was pulling that handcart the entire way. The men in my group kept tell me to take a break and to let someone else pull for a while. I held onto that handcart with everything I had. Not because I wanted to prove how strong I was, or try and be a hero and pull it the whole way. I was terrified to let go of that cart. I knew I'd fall behind if I did. It was the momentum of the cart that kept me going. Holding that bar was the only way I was going to make it through trek. So I never let go. Heavenly Father blessed me with that momentum the year after Steve died. I had more on my plate that year than I thought possible. I was in full time school, working two jobs, president of the folk dance team, institute council, assistant to the WSU Student Association president, and a LEAD Trainer. I taught Relief Society and was trying to get into nursing school and going home to Sandy at least once a week. Talk about momentum! I think I had 8 meetings I went to each week throughout the school day. Heavenly Father put all that on my plate because He knew that I needed something to hang onto so I could make it through the trek. How did I do it all?  Well my friends, when there is a will there is a way. You get your priorities straight. Family comes first. You put your family first and everything else works itself out. Never stop going to church. Do you know how many lessons and talks in church that year were about death? If they weren't they were about trials, I hated going. But I never stopped going, never missed one meeting. You buck up and you get yourself where you know you need to be. If Heavenly Father puts it in your life, you can handle it, AND he is obligated to help you through it.

Faith is such an interesting concept. I knew that I had faith. I was strong in the church, I knew it was true. The gospel has never been something I've questioned. I had felt the hand of the Lord in my life and I knew what answers to prays felt like. Having the faith that my Savior is in charge of my salvation can be hard at times, but it was nothing I ever doubted. The trial of my faith came when I had to trust my Heavenly Father with my big brother. It was suffocating to think about the choices my brother had made, to think of the consequences that would follow those choices and know that I was powerless to help him. I tried everything I could think of. I prayed for him every night. I wrote to him in my journal. I pleaded that Heavenly Father tell my brother that I loved him and that I wanted so desperately to hold him and help him. Yeah it takes faith to believe in your own salvation. Having faith enough to trust Heavenly Father with my big brother, my protector, my defender, my hero...that is a whole other ball game. I know, I know that everything will be made right in the end. Everything will be made right in the end. But only through Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ. Everything will be made right in the end. Until then, we have faith. Faith works.

The last thing I want to talk about is letting go. I remember being in line at the viewing and hugging an enormous line of crying people. Funny, its a little backwards, we were giving comfort to everyone else. I had so many people crying in my ear telling me that I will never be the same, that I'll be messed up for the rest of my life. Telling me I'd never get over it, that it would define me. I hated it. I hated it. I don't cry when I see pictures of my brother. I don't cry when I hear his favorite song or walk past his bedroom. Death and mourning is dark and consuming. People sell their souls to it. I felt those powerful emotions, I've been there. There comes a point when you have to make a decision not to feel that way anymore. To move on, let it go. Those emotions aren't fun. They are awful. Why would I choose to feel awful every time something reminds me of my brother? If you are holding onto something or someone who makes you feel awful LET GO. There is a line in a movie that says "pain feels a lot like love". Pain is not love, it keeps you from love. You are in charge of you. Let it go.  

Families are forever